The "stuff" we were taught by well meaning adults that we get to re-evaluate and purge as needed.
Nearly every hypnosis client I've seen over the years has to one degree or another, come with a set of erroneous beliefs or programming that was installed by parents, teachers, ministers, friends, extended family and some was even self-installed.
But in one way or another, left in the original form, without evaluation, updating or removal, much of it has outlived the useful purpose that was intended by well-meaning people who truly believed that it was information or beliefs needed to become a good, upstanding, productive member of society.
I am a very firm believer that almost without exception a person, regardless of the situation they grew up in, can, over time overcome nearly any damage done. But of course, in order for there to be change, there has to be change.In my own life, whether it was the message being sent, or just the message I received (recognizing that they can be completely different),
l arrived with some core beliefs that even today, are somewhat challenging for me. As I sit on the balcony, overlooking the Atlantic, typing, I'm driven to 'be productive'. Never mind that I'm 66-years old and am on a 2-month snowbird vacation. I have a NEED to be productive.
I KNOW that it is about the false notion that if I am not engaged in productive activity, I have no value. If I kick back and relax for more than a few minutes, I'm LAZY. Beyond that there has been another voice in my ear for as long as I remember that no matter what I do, it's not good enough, or perhaps more broadly, it is not enough, therefore, I am not enough.
Take that a little further out, and it becomes "If I am a very good boy (man), I will be loved." If I am not feeling particularly loved, it then MUST mean, that I a not a very good boy.
Then, because that doesn't make me twitch quite enough, mix in the idea that Food = Love. I've had more than a few clients who in one way or another, got to the point where they wanted a food intervention, because for people in their lives, Food = Love, and to not clean up your plate, not have 2nd (or 3rds) was a rejection of the cook's love.
When that concept first showed up a couple of years ago, it was a great surprise to the client, when he became aware of it, and the impact it had on his life. But it was also one that (as it often does), made me make a mental note to double back and see how it fit in MY life.
Turns out it fit me to a T....Interestingly, it's a concept that cuts both ways. By that, I mean that wonderful, well prepared food and the experience of enjoying it in good company with great conversation and much laughter, puts me in a place where I feel loved, even worthy. But in those moments where I am not feeling particularly loved, I find that food has become the filler I used to fill up that hole within myself.It's sort of a fat if I do, fat if I don't proposition.
Does any of this ring true in one form or another in your life? Or perhaps a better question might be, what are the programs and beliefs that you carry about yourself that no longer serve the person you are, or are striving to become? And.... what can you do to uninstall or delete those programs and move into a space where you're living more as the best version of you?
While it's still a concept I'm wrestling with, I believe that I'm going to set an intention that day-by-day, I will establish some boundaries on how much of my day is spent on 'work', and dramatically increase the amount of time that I am enjoying the ocean being so ocean like, allowing myself to do whatever I'm moved to do (Including nothing)... and disconnect from the need to be busy.
Perhaps in that process I will find my way to loving myself, for being myself, regardless. Hopefully, when that hole is filled with love, it won't require so many hummus dipped chips and cookies.I'd love to hear your thoughts. And, if there is a way, that I might help you with your process, please be in contact.I encourage you to subscribe to my blog, so that you'll receive notification when I sit down and pound some new thoughts into my keyboard.Blessings!
An awareness that floated in and rocked my world....
On Thursday, I was talking with a Lifestyle Engineer client. It was her 2nd appointment where we were working to eliminate a long-standing, paralyzing fear of riding in a vehicle that had someone other than her at the wheel.The 1st session had produced some powerful results, and seemingly allowed some additional things to surface that needed some discussion and possible future intervention.The conversation, as many conversations do, came around to weight, diets, control, frustration... and the core programming that so many of us received to one degree or another around food.It's apparent to me that for many people, eating as not about satisfying a physical hunger and provide nourishment to the body. It's is often about healing boo-boos of life.Many moms raised their kids with the notion that if they cleaned up their plate, they'd be a big boy (or girl), and then rewarded the clean plate with dessert. (How could that possibly create an undesirable outcome?!?!?) . Then, if we fell off our bike or had some sort of heartbreak... a piece of cake, or bowl of ice cream would be the salve that would heal that, make the pain go away. (again, how could that possibly go wrong?!?!?!)But over the years in working with clients, especially with the Virtual Gastric Band for weight loss, I've come to understand that for many mothers, food is one of their love languages.It's that nurturing, I'll make it all better action based in love. I've never believed that there was intention to do damage, or create obese children or adults.Until yesterday, that's as deeply as I looked at that. It was programming that could be re-programmed. Any damage that was done, could, for the most part, be overcome.But as we were talking about food as a love language, a new realization slapped me right in the forehead.Those who know me know that I've spent a good portion of my life carrying more weight that I would prefer to carry. I've been up and down. I did the Virtual Gastric Band and got outstanding results, until I allowed myself to stop paying attention. After that, my attitude was more of a "who cares'... and there was not the desire or motivation to do what I KNEW beyond any doubt, would put me back in a slimmer, trimmer, healthier body.So yesterday... as my client and I were talking... about food, how it is a love language, it became painfully obvious to me, that at least in my case, there is a connection between how loved I feel, and what I feed my body.Of course, how loved I feel is not necessarily connected to how loved I am. Perceptions are not always 100% accurate. And as I type this, it occurs to me that the feeling of lack of love, could be a wholly interior problem. That for whatever reason, I come to points where I don't appreciate and love myself, so.... because good food equals love... I shovel it in.... gain weight...love myself less.... rinse and repeat.So, I'll be spending some time in the days ahead, looking at these ideas and the, potential impact they are having on my life, and some processes that will help me change that around.Then another fun part, will be looking at ways I can add that re-defining love into the weight loss process that has helped so many clients redefine their relationship with eating and with food.If you have thoughts about this, as they relate to your life, feel free to comment here, or if you prefer, send me a private message or e-mail. I'd truly love to hear from you.
Seems like we're all pretty much the same person...
In my hypnotherapy work, I've found over and over that clients come to me to eliminate a specific situation or behavior from their lives. For some it is tobacco, for others, excess weight, really a very broad range of behavioral changes that are desired. But almost every time, what they come for is a SYMPTOM of the underlying causative challenge.Across the board, regardless of why they believe they are there, regardless of age, gender, or any other factor, the underlying causation is so similar from one client to the next, that it would be difficult to say where one starts and the other begins.In my conversations with these clients, they often seem surprised that 'their particular situation' is not horribly unique. Many are visibly shocked when I explain that almost everyone who I've worked with, has a story that is 80-90% the same, in terms of life situations that installed a challenge they want to overcome.Because I do a lot of work with weight loss, utilizing a Virtual Gastric Band, I want to focus on two parent installed programs that are so common as to be predictable.The Clean Plate Club- Well meaning parents for decades have told their children, "Clean up your plate, be a big boy (or girl)! and then are surprised when their boy or girl in fact grows up to BE a big boy or girl.To compound the damage of this one, the reward for cleaning up your plate is often desert.What this actually teaches a child, is that the clean plate is a more accurate measure of the amount of food they need in any one sitting than the messages from their body that they are being encouraged to ignore, that are telling them that they are full.So many people go through life disregarding the intelligence of their bodies, overstuff themselves to get to clean plate status...then just like mom did, they reward themselves with desert.Food as a salve for any boo-boo- I've not met anyone yet, who did not learn that there is no boo-boo (physical, mental, emotional or spiritual) that ice cream, a piece of pie or cake won't sooth.You fall off your bike, and the parent who rushes to comfort you says something like... "Oh honey, let's get you some ice cream! That will make you feel better!"... so we learn that when we're hurt, upset, angry, or really at any time, a big 'treat' will make us feel better.I'd encourage you, if you are a parent, to look at yourself to see if you are teaching these things to your kids, and if you are, STOP IT! :)Additionally, my overall observation is that there are so many people who have been had their self concept diminished by being whittled away by loved ones, parents, teachers, clergy, spouses/former spouses... some to the point where they don't see any value when they look in the mirror, some who feel as if they don't have any (or very few) redeeming features, and are destined to be unloved and deserve to be unloved.For the most part though, these same people are absolute warriors. Despite all that they carry, they are walking forward day-by-day, doing what needs to be done, caring for their children and/or family members, being productive and functioning.It really gives me great joy though, when I can help clients to see that the image that others have carved out of who they truly are is an illusion, and that it is not at all accurate. The bonus is to be able to help them to get to full power, full brilliance. They seem to shine a bit brighter and walk more proudly, when they get a glimpse of who they truly are.At the end of each session, I feel honored that they've trusted me with what are in some cases stories that they may not have told anyone else in their lives, I feel humbled that I get to help them facilitate some healing, some new direction, some return to full power, and consequently some better, more desirable and desired outcomes.I'm always happy to have those confidential conversations as people are considering making some changes in their lives. The initial consultations are Free and without any pressure.