Why does this bother me so much?

As often happens, I was talking with a dear friend the other day.  She and I have some of the best conversations, about things that are important to us.Like me, she has a hypnosis practice, and is helping people to make big and important changes in their lives.Also, like me, her perception of herself and the demons that she still wrestles with, while showing remarkable progress, year over year, are by no means gone.  So we're having conversations centered on lifting each other up, reminding each other (and in the process, ourselves), of what we know, our understanding of how life ideally works and ways that we can show up more authentically in our lives.For a very long time, my belief has been, that the things that annoy, anger, or frustrate me about others, are often the same things that annoy, anger or frustrate me about myself!   It is easier though, to see those characteristics (or faults) when looking outward.  But the whole idea of each person we encounter serving as a mirror, for us to see ourselves is one that has been helpful, and on occasion troubling.For those who know me, it won't be a surprise that there are aspects of what is going on in our country and world, that I find incredibly troubling.  INCREDIBLY TROUBLING!I watch and read a wide variety of domestic and international news reports, limit my television news, and am always mindful that pure news, without spin or some bias is fairly rare today.  (That said, I would not subscribe to the notion that all news (except perhaps one 'news' outlet) is FAKE NEWS).But it is an ongoing challenge to stay informed enough to satisfy my need to know and understand, but to attempt to fly a bit above it, so that I'm not in a constant state of crazy rage.   It does seem that there could be more than enough of that, in many places you look!But as my friend and I were talking yesterday, she suggested that I look at these types of situations with the following question.

WHY DOES THIS BOTHER ME SO MUCH?!?!?

Almost instantly,  I knew that the situation we were discussing bothered me so much because it took me back to a variety of people and situations where there were bullies, people who were never wrong, or for whom their way was the only way... even if there were potentially smarter/better ways.  Situations that still have a tender spot apparently.With that awareness, I found some relief, though not total relief.  Because my past experience has me convinced that when old people/situations poke their head up to say "Howdy!", it's often a sign that in spite of the fact that I believed that the processing, forgiving, elimination was complete in a given area, there must be some additional work or awareness being called for.I always have the option to ignore those tugs toward deeper work.  But again, in the past, choosing to ignore has not lead to outcomes that I found pleasant.Now, as I feel anger or any strong emotion welling up, I'm starting to ask myself;  "Why does this bother me so much?"  Then following the information to where it leads.Join me? 

The expectations of others... and driving my own bus.

From time to time, things that I've believed that I've 100% dealt with, on all levels, will pop back up,  perhaps just to double-check my convictions of where I believe I am.  Then, as if to try to complicate things just a touch, add in a dash of other people's expectations, and their apparent belief that they know better than me, what I really want and/or need.Earlier in my life, it's highly likely I would have caved. I might have allowed the pressure of others to dictate my actions, but it seems I've moved out of that unhealthy place of living. I'm pretty glad to see that.A touch of background. (Not too much, really).  My father and I have only talked to each other and spent time in each other's presence when it couldn't be avoided since sometime in the mid-1970's.  Prior to that time, it can best be described as a dysfunctional father/son relationship.  And that might be too kind.I am confident that he absolutely did the best that he knew how to do and truly meant no harm.Over the decades, there has been a lot of work completed  on my part, to first get to neutral,  then to do some deep forgiveness work and to get to a place where I could appreciate that he and I had agreed upon the type of relationship we would have when we were in a pure spirit form.It was a game changer for me, when I got to the point that I realized that he loved me enough to be the asshole that he could be, to teach me what I'd asked to be taught.  He actually did teach me a lot of things!  Many of them were more along the lines of things I did not want to be, do, say.  When I had a fatherly quandary with my own children, I would sometimes ask myself "what would Duane do?", and then would likely head in the opposite direction.  That too, seemed to work out well for my kids and me.Now, at 90 years old, he's significantly closer to the end of his life day by day. A while ago, he had what has been cryptically described as 'an episode'.  Not one that required an ambulance or trip to the ER, but one that took him to the doctor the next day. The alarm was sounded in the form of a text.   I felt an interesting peace, and frankly distance from the situation.  For me, PEACE is the goal, so I took that as a good thing.I have spent a fair amount of  time wrestling with the 'when the time comes' scenarios over the last years.  I tend to revisit it every few months, checking in with myself to make sure that when it is his time to leave this life, that I will be ok with my choices, not wracked with guilt.  Yep, time and again, I find that I'm 100% good with where I am.The bottom line for me is that for 40+ years we've had little or no interaction or communication, most often it took place when it could not be avoided.  Given that communication is a 2-way street, I can only assume that lacking any attempt on his part to modify that, he must have been ok with the status quo.What possibly would be gained by an awkward,  approaching the exit ramp visit?   For me, nothing I actually want or need.I walk into this process completely in neutral.  Toward him, toward the alarm sounder.   I'm really happy about that.  Apparently, the old buttons have been re-wired or moved, and that's wonderful.  Each person involved gets to make their own choices on how they will walk through the process.  If they will grieve, how they will grieve.  Certainly anyone can have their own opinion on what another 'should' do, they actually would be well served to keep that opinion to themselves, unless it is requested.One of my goals each day, is to walk gently, to avoid conflict if at all possible, to never look for trouble and to never throw the 1st punch.But when backed into a corner, or when the situation requires a stronger, less peaceful response, I do have everything and anything I could possibly need to respond in a way that leaves no room for misunderstanding my position.  (See, even there, I'm being gentle).A word to the wise.  I am a fully functioning 64 year old human.  If you are not me, you  probably lack a good grasp on who I am, so it stands to reason that you also don't have any real idea what is or is not best for me, or important to me.So if your actions are driven primarily by your apparent need to drive the bus, I'd remind you that I drive my own bus.  I'm sure that in many areas of your life, others allow you to drive their bus.  But be clear, this is not one of those times.

So many metaphors, so little time...

I'm someone who loves clichés, uses metaphors liberally and tries to be very exacting with my words.  I generally have extended grace, assumed the best and given 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances, even when it's likely they were not deserved.I believed that was the 'right' thing to do.  It also allowed me to honor an unspoken vow that had roots (likely) in my childhood... "avoid confrontation at all cost."That last part it turns out, hasn't always served me well, so I've been gradually working on eliminating my tendency to roll over and play dead.I started from a place where in the face of potential conflict, I'd visualize putting the upside and the downside of confronting the situation vs. rolling over/dead and if I determined that the upside was not significantly better than the downside, I'd roll.Over many years, the lesson I learned (however wrong-headed it was) was that somehow I was less than, that my opinion was not as valid, my needs or desires were not as important as 'the other's'.Now I've reached the point where I'm no longer willing to live that way, and I've begun to take small steps in the direction of living more authentically, living  in my own truth and power, while at the same time striving to be fair, reasonable and rational.As processes go, it's a good one for me.  Interesting even.  The evaluation has shown me that some unpleasant things have floated up in my punchbowl, that need to be resolved.  Some new, some that I've done work with in the past, some that I believed I'd completely dealt with before.  So it's been time to go back to some old tools and exercises that have served me well in the past, to dust them off and put them back into action.I'm finding that with my backside in the sand, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean on a 75 degree day, is about the perfect setting for the work that is calling to be done.There will be some removal going on in every imaginable way.  Some old beliefs, old programs, self-imposed false limitations, perhaps even some people.   But it's sort of like cleaning out a closet or the garage, if it's stored garbage, or something that is no longer relevant, supportive, bringing joy, away it goes.It's always felt so good go clear the decks, purge, recycle and remove.  Rarely have I had regret, and I'm sure this process will be the same.How can I be the best I can be, if I'm dragging along a hundred or more pounds of old crap? I'm ready to fly higher and faster, ready to get rid of old audio or video loops that bring nothing positive to my world and to associate with people who I look forward to connecting with, who engage in interesting and mature conversations, who are living powerfully in their own lives... and challenge and support me in mine.Accepting applications now! :)

Drawing a line.... exercises in exorcising the self-limiting ghosts of the past

Fall of 2011, I was doing a lot of self-awareness and self-improvement work.  My meditation life was robust and regular. Sometimes it involved writing the insights and assignments that were a result of the meditative conversations that took place.It was a time of deep introspection, mid-life evaluation, deep healing and forgiveness of self and others (see the earlier post about Transformational Forgiveness).There had been a marriage of nearly 30-years that I ended, and a couple of subsequent relationships that helped to move me closer to being ready for my current life and marriage to Beth.On a fall day in 2011, my focus was making sure that any loose ends from my life to date and from past relationships were cleaned up to the point where I would not be dragging old baggage and brokenness as I moved forward.So I asked to be shown a way to effectively draw a line and leave the past in the past, to feel love and gratitude for each person who had played a guest appearance or long running character in my life.I was shown that it was incredibly easy.  The instructions were to draw a line to demark the present moment, then to feel myself stepping beyond that line with no need  or desire to look back.Then with each player in the scenes that came before to individually sit down and have a soul-to-soul conversation.In this conversation the goal was to kindly and gently, express my gratitude for the part they played in my life, but also to say anything and everything that I needed them to know to complete the conversation with each person.The conversations allowed me to come back across the line into the present, without dragging old things into the present.I remember the shift I felt as that old baggage was left behind the line.  The lightness, the joyfulness, the peace.My understanding and belief is that even though these conversations take place on a soul-to-soul level, and that no audible words are spoken, the conversation partner receives the messages that I deliver.  Like any conversation, it can certainly be interactive, so it's good to go carefully and pay attention to any feedback that is given.It is important to remember that it really does not matter what they do or don't do upon the completion of YOUR work.  This is an exercise that is 100% about you.  So be joyful in your accomplishment!  Allow yourself to FEEL, really feel what you felt, the peace you feel and celebrate the honest way that you shared.

Fall of 2016- 5-years seems like a good time for me to take a little time, and revisit this exercise that was so very helpful to me in 2011.Like so many things I've seen and done in my personal and business life, this is one of those tools that worked so very well that I quit using it.I'm grateful to the process of writing this blog, that things that I've known, worked with, had success with are resurfacing in a new time and space to allow me to take a look, to self assess if it would be helpful to put them back to work.This one, without even going through an formal process of evaluation is going to come off the bench and go back into active duty in my life.I hope that it plays a role in some of the lives of people who are reading. 

From the archives... 4/10/2009

I continue to go back through old writing, certainly not to re-live painful old times or to travel back in any way.  I'm in search of those parts of my life and the words that I wrote at various times that might be important parts of my book; The Road to Happyville.Here's one I rediscovered today.Yesterday a settlement was reached and the lawyers are drafting the final documents. In two weeks, the divorce will be final.I celebrated with one small glass of single malt scotch, great conversation - love and support.Today, despite a restful night's sleep, I woke up exhausted.  I wondered if it was a couple of later than usual nights in a row, but realized that I was not only tired but felt as if I'd been run over by a truck.A single word floated through my mind... AFTERMATH.  Of course!  At this moment, other than those last signatures, we are done.  Completed.  And my body, mind and spirit at once felt the drain that the last year has been.Later in the day I spoke with a dear friend of 20+ years who had held the light for me long before I knew that there was even a light to hold.  A woman of great wisdom, strength, intelligence and compassion.  As I shared the good news- the tears once again made their way to the surface.  More and more gut wrenching sobs, like the ones that were common a year ago when I began the divorce.But the voice on the line reminded me of the load that I had carried. Parts of it since childhood, other parts for decades- the need to walk my walk with confidence- to be open and honest about who I am and where I am going- but to be outwardly strong, perhaps a bit TOO insistent that 'it's all good', 'I'm great!'.  I was reminded that it was a long and heavy train I was dragging- and that NOW was the time to see what parts needed to be set aside- to lighten the load from my back.I've grown to respect the truth that if you listening, your questions will be answered.  That when you are ready, the teacher will appear.Every step of the last 5-years has been shaped by those who have been put on my path, some to walk with me, some to walk away from me,  others to ask wonderful questions- still others to lead me to the wisdom and answers that I already possess.As I hung up the phone, I knew that the tears that filled my eyes were only the tip of the supply-  with the Mozart Requiem playing in my ears, I made work of blessing and releasing- of acknowledging the need to make my burden lighter and asked for help in setting down all the parts that will not be with me on the next part of the trip.I climbed in bed- blankets to my chin, pillows over and under my head, with Mozart's incredible work in my ears- and I sobbed and released and dreamed of how light I was going to feel when I woke up.My new life has begun, the old life fades from view. I have no need or desire to go back, to dwell on what was or might have been. May the bright and happy times stay with me always, may the rest fade from view... forever, but I pray the lessons learned will help me each day for the rest of my life.That the cast of characters in my life changes day-by-day. Some who I 'knew' would provide loving support have disappointed. Others who have only been in the distant background have proven to be wise old friends.But the category that pleases me the most are the new people, both men and women who have crossed my path in a variety of ways.People who from almost the first instant have shown themselves to be huge, important parts of my 2nd 1/2.There is no room in my belief system to allow that it was just my lucky good fortune to have them walk-in at the perfect moments.People who 'get me' who see in me, something more than I've ever allowed myself to see when I look in the mirror.While 55 years of habit and conditioning do not disappear overnight, I see a different person when I look in the mirror and probably for the 1st time- I can honestly say that I'm beginning to like what I see.The light bulbs that come on now on a regular basis, Illuminate the illusion I used to hold as true.  I see now that in the past, I doubted the sincerity of a compliment or acknowledgement of a job well done because it was largely the opposite of what I held as my truth for many interior and exterior voices had worn away my belief in myself, and had helped me paint a very limited, distorted, damaged picture of who I was.Now I'm starting on new canvas and with the help of many keen observers- and a commitment to myself to see the REAL me, as I redefine my new life, I'm learning to trust.. myself and others as they hold up the mirror to show me who I really am.I will be grateful for the rest of my life to these reality based angels.

Revisiting the process as I stroll forward..

I'm reading a book I picked up a month or so ago when I attended the Hay House Writers Workshop in Chicago.Nancy Levin was one of the keynote speakers that weekend.  She had a compelling story to tell about her life, her writing process, along with a good dose of humor and insight for those of us in the room who aspire to be published authors.I enjoyed her talk enough that I bought a copy of her book:  "jump... and your life will appear"Over the last few days, I've begun to read and work with the ideas that Nancy shared and the frank and honest disclosures she makes about her life have once again caused me to reflect back on mine.Those who know me likely know that I'm a touch prone to overthink almost any situation, and like most of us walking around on legs, I seldom hold back in my criticism and harsh treatment of myself.  This time though, my approach to myself seems to be a bit kinder.  Not totally without a touch of regret here and there, but not the beat myself bloody type of self abuse that used to be quite common.THAT is an awareness I celebrate!  It appears to be possible to learn from past choices and then move on with gratitude for what those situations taught me about myself and about the people and world around me.In the opening pages of the book, there is a small segment on forgiveness.  When I read it, I really laughed to myself, as it served as the final reminder that forgiveness has been on my  mind over the last several weeks.  As my thoughts would turn to forgiveness, there would be a few faces and/or situations that would present to me (again) as if to say "we're not quite there yet!" or, "you thought you'd finished with me, but there's still a bit more that needs your attention here!".The places where it appears more might be needed were not a surprise to me in the least.  However, there were some faces and names that did not present that I would have likely expected to need to revisit.But as I looked at the people and events that was no longer on the needs attention list, I realized that I was in a good and peaceful place, and felt like the process that was needed had been successfully completed.As it often is, the timing is pretty much perfect.  I've been excavating through old files, old writings, old journals as I mine for what has already been written that feels like it is a part of the 1st book.  (working title:  "The Road to Happyville, hence the name for this blog section of my website).  Over the last 7 or 8 years, there are a stack of journals that chronicle my life.  There are tales from the journey that as I re-read them make me thankful for every step along the way, each person who stepped in to play the role we had agreed they would play and then either became important, ongoing parts of my life or stepped away upon the completion of what was needed.I've said before that I've become the man I am because of the experiences I've had, the people who have helped teach me what I wanted/needed to learn.  The people who have lifted me up, the people who have attempted to extinguish my light and wear down my resolve.It is this last group that I am likely the most thankful for.  Though I prefer to interact with the others in my daily life.  The ones who I perceived as being evil, unnecessarily harsh, nasty and hateful helped bring me to a place where I was no longer willing to accept their inaccurate vision of who I am.  I was no longer willing to roll over and play dead rather than standing proudly with the knowledge that I have skills and gifts and an important part to play in life.Some helped me to see that I'm not a total dumb ass, (though occasionally I can still act like one), others that while I'm happy to carry the load and help in most any way I can, I'm nobody's roadie...that while I don't need the spotlight to shine only on me, I am not willing to stand backstage in the shadows until the show is over.I've lived enough years to know that there's great truth in the idea that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Also, that every person and situation we experience is something we invited, one way or another, and if we are honest as we look at each and every one, there is value to be gained.So, as my reading of old writings is reminding me of tools and processes that were so incredibly powerful and helpful as I needed them that I forgot about them.  It's also reminding me of where I've been, the journey I've walked, the way some of my old, very harsh feelings for people and situations that have come and gone, on the overall, I'm good with who I am and where I am.That said, it is once again time to reactivate some of those tools and do what could be the final little bits of clean up relative to a few people and situations who I've allowed myself to hold onto a bit of frustration.My assessment of the amount of work that is needed on these very few situations is that it's fast and easy.  But that does not diminish in the least the importance of completion.If you're interested, many of the tools I'll be putting back into action are on my website at RedefiningSuccess.net under the FREE TOOLS section.Help yourself, because by doing that, you will truly be helping yourself.Blessings!

Transformational Forgiveness

Of all my experiences with forgiveness, there is one that will likely be remain as the one told most often for the remainder of my life.  It proved to me, beyond any doubt whatsoever that there is transformational healing power in forgiveness.7 years ago, I was given a forgiveness meditation that was labeled "The Theatre of the Mind".  As I read over the process, I liked it.  It was simple and straight forward.  It did not require anything but my intention and a few minutes where I got very quiet and visualized the process.So that evening, I decided to take this exercise for  test drive.  I did not have to look far to find a suitable 'subject' for the exercise (focused of course on someone other than myself who I needed to forgive).   Despite the fact that over the decades, I'd focused a lot of forgiveness work at my father, I figured just like a kitchen floor, there could be a bit of yellow wax build-up in the corners that this could eliminate.So to the Theatre I went, focused the process on Duane and did the visualizations that were outlined in the instructions.  At the end of the process, I added... "I carry with me no scar of any kind from this relationship."  I was thinking mental or emotional scars.. not even considering physical scars.I wrapped up the process, and didn't think too much about it.  It felt good, felt productive... end of subject.  That is, until the next evening  I was washing my face, which until that moment had always been a fairly mundane part of my day.  But on this night, my forehead felt different.  As I washed the soap away I discovered that a scar and bump that had resided on my forehead for about 35 years from a run in with a canoe paddle that had been launched from my father's hands when I was 13 or 14 was gone.  100%, completely vanished from my face.  No bump, no scar, nothing.You hear of people having moments when they cannot believe their eyes.  This was one of those moments for me.  I rubbed the spot, tipped my head at various angles in the light, up close to the mirror, back and forth, not believing that it as even possible that this sort of physical transformation could take place.  And then my own words came back to me.  "I carry with me no scar of any kind from this relationship."  I guess I wasn't kidding when I said that.Since that day, I have listened to and read as much material about forgiveness as I could. I've attended and presented workshops on the subject and have shared various exercises and forgiveness tools whenever an opportunity presents.  Because I believe that much of what creates disorder in our lives and in our world is an inability or unwillingness to forgive, ourselves and others.I believe that the lack of forgiveness, of ourselves and others can and does impact our health, our weight, our relationships, our happiness and our world.But I know how one solitary act of forgiveness changed my physical body.  I can't even imagine how that same act changed me on deeper levels.  I hope and pray that in some way, the telling of that story, the sharing of the ideas and tools I've worked with will help others to complete some of their own forgiveness work.  Each person and the world we occupy can be transformed by the process.June 8 2016 Update:I've doubled back to this post today and linked a recording that I created of the Theatre of the Mind Meditation that is referenced above.Please feel free to use it, download it, share it.  Please do not listen to it if you are driving or operating any sort of equipment.If you use it, and experience any wonderful outcomes as a result, I'd love to hear from you!Click Here to Visit the Theater of the Mind